Friday, September 24, 2010

Swimming To Hogwarts: A Magical Suicide Note

Sometimes in a game of Quidditch it comes time to catch the snitch, time to end the game, even if your team is more than 150 points behind. To my friends and family, I'm so sorry. Merlin's beard I'm sorry.
It's not one thing that has brought me to this decision. It's a lot of things really. The growing darkness in the wizarding world, losing all my gold in that dragon's-blood ponzi scheme, being sorted into Hufflepuff; these are all a part of what has driven me here.
As a side-note, the teachers should really be doing something about the suicide rate among Hufflepuffs, as it has now reached nearly 62% in my year alone. These are very sad children. What do you expect? I mean, Gryffindors are all perfect, they're all brave and good, like, seriously all of them. How is that possible? You would think at least a few must be jerks or secret perverts or something, but nooo, they're all leaders and all caring and all down to earth, it makes me sick.
And Slytherin? Why do we even have those kids here? My best friend's parents were tortured to death by Death Eaters and now he has to have chemistry class with their kids? That's fucked-up. But at least they get to do something, to be involved in some way, you know? And Ravenclaw, at least they're intelligent. They have an attribute. You know what the Sorting Hat said to me my freshman year? He said, "Fuck it. Hufflepuff'll do." That's all. That's all he said.
Look, I'm not trying to blame the school for all my problems, I don't want my parents suing over me when I'm gone or anything. It's just, life here, it's..ugh. It's terrible.
Like, for instance, every year something happens that makes Harry Potter look evil or like a jerk or something, and like everybody in the school I hate him, and towards the end of every year it turns out he was just trying to help his friends or protect the school or something. It makes me feel like such a dick. And I do it every year! What the hell is wrong with me?
And you know what? Screw Harry Potter. No-one should fix all of the school's problems, but every year without fail he does something heroic. I...I just, ugh, here I am feeling so sorry for myself, I just want to do something. I want to be friends with the cool kids. I hate the Hufflepuff kids I hang around with, stupid mouth-breathers and semi-illiterates. We all talk about brooms and Quidditch and who we would do. That's it. I'm so sick of it.
And nobody ever talks about this stuff, it's like no-one has a life outside of their classes and whatever is in the Daily Prophet that morning, especially if it pertains to some story that's relevant to the school that year.
Is life after school going to keep being like this? Are women in ten years going to be laughing at me when I mention my Alma Mater is Hufflepuff?
Because they're laughing now.
Merlin's beard, even Hermoine Granger dates, and she's bossy, controlling and has a crazy superiority complex. Why can't I find anyone?
And I...I've started to have....weird feelings for some of the house Elves. I've been around at night when they clean the common rooms, and I've made excuses to get...close to them. None of them have objected or told me to back off or anything, but I mean, they never really object to anything.
They're really slaves when you think about it.
Oh God, I'm sick.
I'm thinking about fucking slaves.

I can't go on. Every day I think about disapparating and just never apparating again. I don't want anyone to be sad about my going, and I'm trying to not come back as a ghost. I can't imagine facing any of you now that you've read this.
Oh God I hope I don't come back as a ghost.
Goodbye. I'm going now. I'm heading down to the lake with some stones in my robes.

With my luck some asshole probably slipped gillyweed in my cereal this morning.

-Roger Saddensworth


The Good Samaritan said...

But then Harry, who has come back on Alumni Weekend because he still has a crush on Hermione, sees Roger wading into the lake with the stones in his pockets and performs a Magical Intervention that restores Roger's original conviction that we live in The Best of All Possible Worlds, and Harry becomes the hero of Alumni Weekend. Right?

Anonymous said...

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